"No, I can't feel the pain", I responded. "I can't sense anything below my shoulders".
I was lying in the back seat of a jeep, my head resting on my cousin's lap and the rest of my body on someone else's lap, covered with some kind of cloth. The cloth was soaked in blood. The smell of blood was nauseating. The driver seemed to be in some hurry and the vehicle was crazily fast on the high-range road.
Even though I couldn't sense the pain and feel the blood oozing from my body, I could sense the seriousness from the faces surrounding me. My dad's friend was busy calling people on his cell phone and arranging some or the other things. My mom, was crying in the front seat. My cousin, whose lap my head was resting, was frightened like hell.
I wanna talk to her", I said.
"What?!!"
"I wanna talk to her, my girl. Somebody please give me a cell phone"
"Don't strain yourself. Calm down and lie quiet, Do you feel the pain?" My dad was talking to me. I was again insisting on talking to her.
"I just wanna tell something to her before I fall unconscious and fly towards the sky". My mom started crying helplessly after hearing this.
"Nothing's gonna happen to you. You'll be alright. We'll reach hospital in a while. Stop talking rubbish", dad said.
I could sense from his words that he was not confident in what he was talking. And I know that it will take at least 25 Min's to reach the hospital. I tried to keep quiet, just to keep my mom alright. Anyway she's gonna cry for at least a month from now. Let her be alright at least for sometime.
But I really wanted to talk to my girl. I wanted to talk my soul out to her before I leave this world, which seemed to happen in a couple of hours. She might not be interested to talk to her, but for my soul to rest in peace...
"I can't bear you. I don't wanna carry you, the burden, in my life. Leave me alone to live my life. I don't wanna live with you anymore. You are such a pain to me. Get away from my life."
Her words were keeping on repeating in my mind, not just now but for the past one week since she shouted these words to me over the phone.
"You want me to be on the way you want me to be. You don't let me be me. You don't let me spend a single money on anything I want. You thing we should only have what we 'need', not all what we 'want'. And you are too much possessive and obsessive about me that I cannot live my life the way I want it to be. I feel jealous to the people around me, seeing their freedom to live life their way. You are such a pain. I don't want to be with you. Get away from my life. GET AWAY FROM MY LIFE!!!!"
"Hey, what happened all of a sudden. Tell me what is the problem. We can work things out"
"Work things out? Hahaha... You are telling this for the past 4-5 years and nothing ever happened. I am fed up with you. Enough. Tell me why are you being with me? For the flesh?"
"What are you talking about? Stop talking nonsense. I am being with you because I love you. What is this stuff about flesh?"
"The bleeding has increased, I think" My thoughts were interrupted by the guy next to me.
"Cover the body with some more cloth. Try to stop the bleeding", dad told him. My mom's sobs were heartbreaking. I never thought or rather realised that somebody loved me more than my girl did. Now I realise the truths. I realise it late, just before my death, I suppose.
They were trying to cover my flattened ribs with some more clothes to reduce the bleeding. I could feel somebody touching the left side of my rib cage, but could feel no pain. It felt like my body below my shoulders were kind of numb. My rib cage was broken and was flattened by the blow. The skin and flesh on my back was peeled off while I was dragged through the ground. But I felt no pain, at least for the time being. I think, I will not feel the pain ever again, as the bleeding will kill me even before the numbness fades off.
We were reaching hospital. The jeep turned to the cut road towards the hospital. The ride was bumpy now but that never mattered to me. I seemed to be drifting towards some kind of trance. I have a very vague memory of me being transferred to the casualty section by some nurses and the people who were with me. I could hear the 'ooohs' and 'oh my goodness' from the nursing students on seeing my body. All of a sudden a lot of people were working 'on me.' Doctors were running around and some of them shouted "Don't let him sleep, keep him awake".
But I knew were it was heading and all I wanted to do was talk to her before I go up the sky. Things were getting clear by now, some injections helped I think. So now I know that I have some more chance of talking to her before I die.
I don't really want to let her know of my condition now was, but I wanted to tell that I loved her. "I am listening to this for long like a recording" would be her response though. But that doesn't matter now because I will not have any time to be sad hearing that as I usually do. I don't want her to scream "I love you dear, don't leave me alone, don't die..." after hearing my condition, because that will make it so hard to leave this world. If she still be stubborn and kept her ego strong, I can die peacefully thinking that there's no meaning to live in this world anyway, so why stay back. I thought of ending my life after she threw me out of her life, but I was hesitant. I liked to believe that one day she may come back to me and take me back into her life. If I die, I might be losing a chance to be with her. I was also very much afraid of taking my own life away.
But I loved her. I lived for her. She was my reason for living for the past 5 years. She knew it. All my plans for the life was linked to her. Actually there were no 'my' plans but 'our' plans. The only thing in this world I cared was for her, but she stopped believing in the recent past. We dreamt together. We cried together. But somewhere, something has gone wrong. Were it the romance? Have I lost the spark? May be it i money. Recently, when she was angry and frustrated, she used to tell me that it was better to live with a guy with more money than to supress the want for a very comfortable life living with me. But I have given her whatever she wanted, I believe. May be those were not what she wanted. We were planning our wedding this year but she told me lately that she need some more time. Were she just lost the interest in me? Or is it because of my possessiveness for her? I used to get jealous when she went out with other guys. I thought every lover feels that jealousy. But she used to be furious telling that
"He lost lot of blood", said one of the doctors. "The ribcage is broken and the rib pieces have injured the lungs and a part of the heart"
"We can do something, right", asked dad's friend.
The doctor didn't tell anything. My mom's sobbing became heart wrenching. I understood.
I always understood silence, except when it comes to my girl. I think that is where it went wrong. May be, it was really hard to understand girls, because they always except us, guys to understand everything from silence. Never tells anything even if ask them. Whatever, let's forget that. My dad's friend went outside the room whispering something to the doctor. The nurses and the attenders were busy on me and some were arranging for something looked like a monster dressing. My Dad's friend came back to the room and handed me his cell phone.
"You wanted to talk to someone right? Take this phone and talk", he asked.
"Don't let him talk and all. Don't strain him much. Let him take some rest", my mom shouted at him and tried to take the phone from him. My dad held her back and looked at her with a pair of painful eyes. Poor mom, she could not understand what was going on. After all she is my mom and she will always hope that I am going to be alright. I took the phone from him and dialled her number.
Thousands of thoughts were flashing through my mind. Hopes, expectations and reactions from her. One side of my mind hoped that she would jump and run to see me before I leave this world and other side believed that she would continue the indifference and hatred she has for me. The very unfamiliar, emotionally strong part of me thought that if she behaves the latter way, I would not leave this world with regret. But the emotionally strong part was succumbed to the majority which is the real me, emotionally not-so-strong.
The phone was ringing at the other end. It ended without getting answered. I was calling her cell phone and it seldom get answered when she's home. But I always try calling her on the cell phone because she would shout at me if I called her home land line. I never understood why. I was a little bit hesitant to call as I have been asked not to call her because she felt it so irritating. I dialled her home land line and it was answered after a couple of rings.
"Hello", a soft voice answered. It was her.
"Hello"
"Oh, you. what do you want?"
"I just wanted to talk to you. Can I talk?"
"No, you cant talk. I am not interested."
"Please, I won't take much time."
"Long or short. I don't wanna talk to you. YOU ARE DISTURBING ME. I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME..."
"Please, one last time"
"One last time. It's the nth last time. What the hell do you wanna tell?"
"Dear, I Love You"
-Silence at the other end.
"Hello..."
-Silence at the other end-
"Hello..."
"What the hell? @#%$#*"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"I am hearing this like a recorded stuff for long."
"But I mean it. I am telling this right from my heart"
"Hahaha... That's just a misconception."
"You believe it or not. I loved you, love you and will love you till my last breath, which is very close"
"Stop the goddamn emotional blackmailing. Like I give a shit if you die"
"I never did and I did not mean that I am going to die because you left me. I am in a hospital, drenched in blood. I just wanted to talk my soul out so that I can leave this world peacefully. Listen to the sound around me if you don't believe me."
-- Silence at the other end--
I felt so happy for the silence. At last, as I doubted, she loved me. It was all because of the ego problems. Oh my god, she loved me. I don't wanna die. Damn it, I don't wanna die. I want to live with her the rest of my life. Tears started rolling down my cheek. I just don't wanna die. I looked for the doctor. He was not there. My dad, mom and our family friend were looking at me in disbelief. They were listening to my conversation. I was oblivious to that. I felt so embarrassed and tried to talk on the phone.
"Hello..."
-- Silence --
Hooo... So she's now itching to meet me and regretting the things that happened.
"Hello... You there?"
-- Silence --
"Hello..."
Holy shit.... Did she disconnect? I glanced on phone display to check whether she's on line. Sometimes she just disconnect and leave if I talk to her for long. No, she was on line.
"Hello...", I called again.
"What? I am here. What do you wanna tell?"
That was cold. I couln't see any concern or regret in her voice. All my hopes and thoughts were shattered.
"I don't know what you except me to respond if you tell me this story", she said. "I told you not to disturb me and I have better things to do than argue with you. Go away. Die or live, I just don't care."
I didn't know how to make her believe that I love her and care for her. Tears started rolling dwn my cheek. My heart felt so heavy.
"See, I am not trying to get any sympathy. I am in the hosptal with my ribcage crushed and my lungs and heart ripped. I just wanted to tell that I loved you. You can talk to mom if you don't believe", I said.
There was a pause.
"I don't wanna talk to anyone and don't wanna talk to you.", she said.
She slammed the phone.
The nurses were trying to sedate me to perform some surgery on me. It started to pain. I didn't notice the pain while I was talking. My mom was crying and standing close to me holding my face. I never felt so heavy in my heart. I wanted to tell my mom that I loved her but could never express. I was feeling drowsy. The injections were working I think. I was feeling asleep.
And I never woke up from that sleep....
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